Well as I said, I’m going to make an attempt at capturing my life since I’ve met Jesus in the year 2000. When I’m thinking of sharing all the things that I’ve done and places where I’ve been, I feel as if I’m very vain. The reality is however that it is not my intention at all to make myself look good, but it is a journey for me first off all, in the sense of picking up the trail and remembering as much as possible. Even though I haven’t posted anything yet, it is amazing to let my thoughts go on so many events and then to fondly remembering how it was the Lord who did it in my life. In my own heart I’m “minimized”(thanks bill gates for adding that term to the world in a practical manner, hehe) as I’m completely in awe of how God provided, protected, guided, disciplined, quieted, moved, taught and loved me over these past 9 years. What an amazing experience just to recollect all the events, situations, people and “seasons” that God used to reveal Himself to me, a very hard-headed, stubborn, DIY kinda guy.
At the age of 20 I was working as a young IT technician in a office support business. Life was at that time, what I could call, a monotanous hell. In the midst of a very sociable life I was struggling with the question of usefulness of life. The thought of just getting up, work, socialising,sleep troubled me intensely to a point where I was even thinking of this in my bed at night. When I looked back on my short life I could only see wasted time. Wasted on material things, pleasurable times with people and an everlasting strive towards significance in my own strength.
Sport always played an important role in my life as this was the place I many times could excel in what I do. Especially ball sports and connected with the social aspect it was fun to be part of people who enjoyed it. This is where I got involved with people who where more or less my age, but they enjoyed their life in a contentment and completeness even though they were the people I would normally call the “social rejects”, who didn’t go to the social places I normally went to and didn’t measure their accomplishments in fights won, girls laid or their resistance to substances like alcohol and drugs. I would also like to add that they were people who didn’t even get kicks out of making other people “less” than what they are in a form of sub-culture superiority(i.e. the Brandy& Coke blokes vs the Whiskey boys) People who were at ease with themselves and their circumstances. Another thing that bothered me a bit was the fact that these people were sold out to this “God” concept. hmmmm. I wanted what they had so much, but who they where, was so completely not me.
So back in bed one night, somewhere in February 2000, I thought that I’m just gonna take a chance. I’ve got nothing to lose and I remember my words: ” If you are out there, this God of love, of whom these people are talking about, take this useless life and see if you can do something with it”. I woke up the following day and went to work as usual, not even thinking of what I “prayed” out of frustration and helplessness. The day went along fine and it was about 4 in the afternoon as I was alone in the workshop and busy servicing a HP Deskjet printer when the thought struck me. I’m feeling good. I feel so free, so released, so calm, so peacefull. Then I remembered my little “prayer” of the previous night and it was as if a soft blanket was being poured over me that said, “Yes, I am here”. I can remember how I just sat there and didn’t know what to say. Is this for real? Someone / something is really putting his hand on me and saying that he is here. I didn’t feel it in my body or in my emotions, but on a much deeper and more tangible, “closer to home” level. In a place that I would now call my spirit. I felt God putting His hand on my spirit and saying Hi.
Then all the legacy of living in a “christian” society started kicking in. But how can it be? I didn’t stop drinking, fornicating, cursing or any of that sort. My life is a mess and here God is saying Hi!!! I didn’t have any scriptures in my memory that He could use to show me His heart, but somehow I knew that this is real as this is love, real love. Someone who doesn’t judge me and expect me to pitch at a certain standard to gain his/her favour. That was something that my life was built on, love me and I’ll love you. Hate me and I’ll kick your teeth out, but here comes a God in whom there is no unrighteousness and still he talks to me without judgement. He became real for me for the first time in my life and if He is showing His care for me in the midst of my position, then I’m willing to surrender this useless life to him, and I did.
What fond memories to think of that day. I can’t really remember, but I don’t think I ever really speak to anyone about it, because it was so close, fragile, intimate and mine. I carried on doing my own thing and trying to figure out what the implications was of this in my life and then my “God” friends asked me if I didn’t want to join them on a youth camp in Witsand for a weekend. I think I almost shouted YES! I was so hungry to get to know this God who is interested in me more and the theme for the weekend was “The Fatherheart of God” with a youth pastor, Peet Palm, being the preacher for the weekend. With amazing live music and the freedom to express your heart before God and solid teaching I really, truly experienced God showing me that I’m his son through Christ my saviour because of what He has done for me, yes for me even.
I got home that Sunday afternoon and called my parents into one room and just started sharing with them what the last 2 months have happened in my life and that I’ve experienced God’s love in a tangible way and that He is soooooo real. I could never be the same again. Not only because of the weekend, but because of something that happended the Sunday evening back home, I visited one of the girls in the youth group who needed to go for tests on her “skildklier”(dunno what it is in english) which was abnormally enlarged. So in my flamingly new found faith I thought I’d ask God to heal her and we prayed together. The test showed that week a 50+% reduction in size. WOW!!! Here I am, just ‘n young man, and God is using me to help people in their faith. Romans 5:8 became a reality for me: “But God has shown us how much he loves us—it was while we were still sinners that Christ died for us!” Part 2 will continue soon . . .
